nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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