Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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