It's like God shit irony all over that family
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
