She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
