Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
