haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
