apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
