Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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