I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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