2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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