see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
