my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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