Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
