This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
