just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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