I can't breathe out the right side of my face
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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