Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
