I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
