dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
