There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize