P.S. I can't hear my feet
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
