This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
