Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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