Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The adults are the big ones right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
