Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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