Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
