No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
