No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
