That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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