I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
