i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
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My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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