Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
