apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
