I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
