he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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