oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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