i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
