it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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