I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
