Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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