guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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