I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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