i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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