Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
