i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We talked him into tasing himself.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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