she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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