yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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