She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize