I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
