my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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