Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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