I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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