I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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