Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
