allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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