He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
accomplished twins. life is a go
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
