none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
