I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
