Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Congratulations! We have a period
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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